The Moo Cow Conspiracy

There once was this very pretty young girl named Rebecca who was all of three years old. Of course I might be mistaken, maybe she was four. But that is unimportant to the story at hand.

Rebecca lived with her brother, her mother, her father, and a housecat with unearthly powers. Of course no one knew of this cat's special gift, except for Rebecca ... oh, and the three mice who lived behind the bookshelf in her bedroom. Indeed, it was the mice who had warned her about the cat, for they were quite fond of their young mistress as she had often befriended them with tasty tidbits.

"Beware of the cat," they had warned, "it is the devil. Never, ever look it in the eyes or your blood will change into ice water, and your knees into rubber. Then you will shrink down to the size of a mouse and it will eat you all up."

"You silly willy mices," laughed Becca. "The cat is no devil. It is my pet. See. I will go fetch it and show you just how harmless it really is." She bounded from the bedroom into the hallway calling, "here kitty kitty ... here kitty kitty." Whereas, the mice nearly fainted ... and, horror of horrors, she returned with the cat in her arms and, it was ... purrrrrrrrringgggg.

"Ooooooooooh! She is an enchantress," whispered the mice to one another. "Behold, she has hypnotized the cat. See how sleepy are its eyes. It is unaware of anything outside of her hand stroking its fur. What we have before us is a goddess. We must become her humble servants, and in her presence we can live without fear of the cat. Thus, from that day forward, the three mice seldom strayed very far from little Becca's heels. And whenever they chanced to spy some other mouse peeking suspiciously from some odd cubbyhole, wondering at their strange procession, they would stick out their tongues and sing: "Nhah Nhah Nha Nhah Nhah!!! We ain't afraid of no pussy cats. PPPPPLLLLLLLLTTTT!!! tee hee hee." And Becca named her new companions Twinky, Perrywinkle, and Stinky.

She'd become quite fond of them.

And this is why Becca brought all of her companions along with her the summer her family visited her Uncle George's farm. Of course she had to hide the mice in her pockets, but the cat came along in a pet carrier. And oh what a time they all were having on the farm. There was a granary. There were cows, and pigs, and chickens, and ducks, and songbirds, and as the cat pointed out again and again, songbirds. There were open fields of grass to play in, with wildflowers, and a stream to float imaginary ships in. It was a wonderful vacation for all, until the evil aliens arrived.

It was on a dark and starry night as the cat slept stretched across Becca's knees and the three mice played tag around the bed legs that a strange light appeared in the purple nights sky. It began as a small orange speck in the roof of the heavens, but quickly grew into a larger glowing sphere that moved swiftly, and abruptly ended it's journey by landing in the cow pasture within sight of little Becca's window. The sound alerted the cat. It also attracted the mice. The noise awakened Becca and the pretty lights drew her to the window where she spied a large spacecraft out on the green.

By the time Becca had laced up her sneakers and ventured outside the spacecraft had lowered a ramp and two dozen little green creatures were racing out into the cow pasture. Once she'd crawled beneath the fence rail and was sneaking up to spy on them, the army of aliens had lassoed a milk cow and was leading it back to their ship.

She jumped out from behind the clump of pigweed that had shielded her approach from the lights. "Where are you going with my uncle George's cow?"

"It's a human," shouted the terrified aliens.

"It knows of our secret."

"We must capture it."

"No. That could be dangerous. We will shoot it with our transmogrifier and change it into a Tilaxian Toady Froag."

"Please don't do that," said Becca. "I do not want to be a toady froag. I want to stay a little girl."

"That is too bad," said the commander of the alien army. "You have learned of our moo cow smuggling operation and now we must silence you. I will change you into a toady froag with my transmogrifying lazer gun, then you will not be able to expose us. Everyone knows that a Tilaxian Toady Froag tells nothing but lies. Once you become a toady froag, nobody will ever believe your story."

"Well, okay. If you must," agreed Becca, "but first tell me who you are, and why are you stealing my uncle's cow."

"That is fair enough," replied the commander. "We are the evil cheddar from the planet of cheese. We are on a secret mission to steal the ultimate weapon needed in our bid for total domination of the solar system. The cow. From this cow we will get milk. From that milk we will make cheese. And once we have obtained a steady supply of cheese we can build another large planet of cheese, and then another, and another, until our empire is stretching across the galaxy. We will build vast armies and enslave the people of earth and make them feed our cow and work in our cheese factories. And those who will not work, we will transmogrify into cows and let them produce milk. But we will not stop there. We will move on to other galaxies and capture them in the same manner. We are the evil cheddar from the planet of cheese. We will rule the world. We cannot be stopped."

"But," asked Becca, "won't you require more than just one cow?"

"Are there more cows?" Asked the commander.

"Yes," answered Becca. "My uncle has many many cows. And that is just a few. There must be lots and lots of them on other farms all over the world."

"Did you hear the human, men?" Shouted the commander to his troop of cheddar. "Earth is swarming with cows and we can steal them all. We will get milk. We will make cheese."

"HOORAY," sang his troops. "We are the evil cheddar from the planet of cheese. We will rule the world. We cannot be stopped."

"Prepare yourself human," said the commander to Becca. "You are about to become the first Tilaxian Toady Froag on the planet of earth." And he pointed his transmogrifying lazer gun at her. "Don't worry, Tilaxian Toady Froags are quite pretty. The bad thing is they like to kiss everybody, and they also have bad toady breath from eating all them toady stools that grow on the Isles of Tilaxia. You should be quite happy, I saw some toady stools growing in a clump just over there next to that pile of moo cow poop. They should make a nice breakfast for a new born toady froag."

It was fortunate for Becca that she had brought her friends along with her to the farm. For just as the evil alien's finger was squeezing on the trigger, the cat leapt out of the darkness and gobbled him up. "GOBBLE GOBBLE MUNCH MUNCH CRUNCH" (Didn't I tell you? The evil cheddar from the planet of cheese were no larger than a mouse, well ... maybe a rat.) The transmogrifier fell harmlessly onto the turf.

"It is Aaaaaargh, protector of the galaxy from the evils of cheddar," cried the army of aliens. "Long ago exiled by the federation of cheese. Thought to be dead or confined to a barren existence on an asteroid in the waste sector of space."

"We are doomed."

"He has eaten our commander."

"We should run."

"We must fight."

"We must die like cheddar."

"NO."

"Let us flee for our ship and escape. We must warn the others. We will return from the planet of cheese with an army and defeat this Aaaaaargh. Then the cheese will be ours. Are we not the evil cheddar who will rule the world? We cannot be stopped."

"Already it is too late for that. Somebody has locked us out of our spacecraft."

And true. The gangplank had been lifted and three mice were dancing up and down before the large bay window making faces and wagging their tongues at the evil aliens. Twinky, Perrywinkle, and Stinky had captured the alien ship and locked themselves inside. And before the evil army could figure out what to do, GOBBLE GOBBLE MUNCH MUNCH CRUNCH, they were eaten all up."

"Aaaaaagh!" they cried.

"Must you leave," asked Becca of the cat.

"Yes I must go," it answered. "I now have a spaceship and I can use it to return home and stop the evil cheddar from enslaving the world."

"Is it true," asked the mice, "that their planet is made out of cheese."

"Yes, it is true. 100% homogenized cheese from processed whole milk."

"Then we will go with you," volunteered the three mice. "We will greatly assist you in your battle against those evil cheddar. 'Cause we love cheese. I mean we really loooooooooove eating cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese."

"Then come along," offered the cat. "I could use the company, and I might just need a snack along the way myself."

I believe he said this in jest, but one can never be certain. After all, the ship was made entirely out of cheese and they could begin by chewing on the upholstery. Anyhoo, let's just hope it was a short journey.

The ship lifted off the ground with a whir as the four intergallactic heroes waved one final goodbye, then it zipped across the sky like a lightning bug and was gone from sight.

Becca looked around and discovered that the cat had left the transmogrifier lying on the ground. Carefully, she picked it up. She didn't want it to accidentally discharge and change her into a Tilaxian Toady Froag now did she?

"I must hide this transmogrifier in a safe place," she said. One day the cat Aaaaaargh might return for it.

Just at that moment she heard a heavy footstep behind her.

"SLOBBER SLOBBER DROOL"

She turned around. "EEEEEEEEK" A bloody-bone monster had snuck up on her. One of those horrible beasts from her uncle George's bedtime stories. It had big feet, a large sagging tummy, and two long arms with big hairy knuckles resting on the ground. Large bulbous eyes and an enormous mouth with thick wrinkly prune-like lips. And the only sound it made was "SLOBBER SLOBBER DROOL." She knew it was hungry. Bloody Bone monsters are always hungry for they could never find enough food to fill their large stomachs. Becca was much too frightened to run. I am sure I would have been too.

"SLOBBER SLOBBER DROOL"

But she did have a transmogrifier.

"ZAAAAAAAAAAP"

And little Rebecca became the only child on the entire planet of earth who owns a Tilaxian Toady Froag. Her toady frog is a very pretty and lovable creature, although a bit aggressive in its behavior.

"Wanna see it?"

"Yeah. Sure."

"KISSY KISSY SMOOCHY SMOOCHY SLOBBER SLOBBER DROOL"

"Eeewwwwwwww. Yuck. It slobbered all over me ... and ... its got bad breath. What do you feed that thang?"

"Toady Stools. They grow in small clusters out in the cow pasture. Want me to show them to you?"

"Eeewwwwwwww"

"tee hee hee"