TROLL's HOLIDAY MAYHEM

---

you just can t figure some folks

it all began on a night last year
and i had just recent retired
to the interior of my winter resort
hoping to get a bit of shuteye
with my big feet showing from
under a heavy wool blanket
what was tucked up under my chin lobes

the night air was bitter tasting
and the cold had it s teeth bared
eager to bite at any parts exposed
but fortunate for me
my feet was calloused
and a trite untasty besides
so i smiled in spite of myself
at keeping the toothy mongrel at bay

i had no more than shut my eyes
when my ear hammers got tripped
by the footfalls of a home invader
what reeked of unnatural sin
and its variegated buggeries
he was a portly gent
this wouldbe assailant
not the sort one would attribute
to being a burglar
and he was wearing the gayest outfit
ever tailored to a man
i m assuming he d wriggled in thru the chimney flue
as i d earlier wedged a enormous boulder
up against my cavehouse door
to keep out undesirables
such as kirby vacuum cleaner salesmen
or hare krishnas and not the least
them friendly folks from peta

anyhoo
i lay as still as king tutankhamen
sealed in his sarcophagus
alongside his pet scarab neffereatme
while this intruder surveyed the room
wondering maybe if i was feigning sleep
not knowing
TROLLs can see quite well in the dark
that being where TROLLs mainly dwell
away out o the sunlight
anyhoo
he reached inside a sack he was carrying
what most likely housed his robbery tools
and fetched out a big ole stick
what was concealed in painted paper
with a bright ribbon on it besides
his intentions was obvious
for he gripped it in both hands
and he tippy toed with it
over in my general direction
an i heard him chuckling
all the while
ho ho ho ho ho
and

you should have seen
the shocked expression on his face
when i sprung up offa me cot and
clobbered him with his own stick
i stuffed him back up the chimney flue
where he got wedged tighter
than last holidays fruit cake
which was a handy thing
as he blocked the draft o cold air
coming thru my chimney s shaft
i figured
he oughta keep till morning
anyhoo

i d hoped to retire back to bed but
i smelled venison on the air
and it made me mouth water so
i rolled the stone a mite to one side
and peeked out
lo and behold
there was a small team of reindeer
chomping on the ivy outside my cavern door
and a tiny little fellow wearing green tights
who run off into the woods
when he seen me

seeing as the reindeer was haltered
it waren t difficult to round them up
and reduce them to a pile of bones
scattered aboot my cave floor
and then
to behead an hour for my meal to settle
so s i wouldna sleep on a full stomach
i set off after that getaway driver
what d fled off into the woods
it waren t no difficult task
as he had short legs
and the forest was deep
as was the mud in the creek bottom
where he d got hisself mired
i fetched him back home
where i rolled him in cornmeal
and dropped him into a pot of brie
and that s when
i remembered aboot the big guy
jammed in my chimney s pipe
i dunno how he managed it
but he had wriggled himself outa that chimney
and escaped

fortunate for him
it was past my bedtime and besides
i d done et my main course for the night
so i give the fellow a reprieve
i figured
if he managed to make it outa the forest alive
he d perhaps give up his life of crime
and stay outa other folks s chimneys
in the future

i don t wanna ever hear it said
TROLL has not done anything to benefit society
aside from trimming the outskirts o the population
for i singlehandedly broke up
one of the most profitable crime operations
in the syndicated underworld
you can t imagine
the quantity of stolen loot i fetched from
the sack that big guy was a toting
along with a list
cattle-logging the names and addresses
of all the rightful owners o the stolen booty

a fellow just don t unnerstand
the emotional impact of a crime
until it is directed at him
and i gotsa tell ya
being the victim of a burglar
has made me a reformed TROLL
i has made it my mission in life
to return all that stolen loot
to it s deserving owners
i don t anticipate no praise
just the deeds themself will be amends enuff
for all the cruelties i have inflicted in my day
i unnerstand
it s gunna be difficult
for people to grasp my good intentions
the moment they spy me thru the peephole
just a standing outside their front door
grinning and wearing a little green uniform
what i peeled offen the leetle man
its kinda tight in the wrong places
but it makes me voice sound a mite less gruff
and some have said the site o me in this getup
is disarming in itself

so gentle citizen
if i chance to come a calling
doncha sic the dogs on me just yet
for i got something for ya
in the sack i m lugging about
and a bit of encouraging news to boot
doncha worry about that organized crime ring
affecting your holidays this coming season
cause i am the self appointed nighttime watch
i am ever vigilant
ever faithful
to my word

and the word is
iamTroll †

[gotcha]

THE END




HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE

(Many fond wishes for the new year.)

George L. Avery
12/07/02

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