GO FETCH THE DOOR

"Get up ma," spoke pa, "and answer that dang-blasted door."

Now ain't you the bossy one pa," answered ma. "Get up and answer it yourself."

"Now woman," scolded pa. "I am the man in this house and I expect for you to do as I say."

"Ha," laughed ma. "Since when did you grow a backbone you spineless old koot?"

"Old woman," warned pa, "I have half a mind to put you across my knee."

" "Half a mind is all you've got," chuckled ma. "Fer even thinkin' you could do sech a thing,"

" "You think I'm not able," asked pa.

"It's a fact you ain't," said ma.

"Why woman," asserted pa. "If I was forty years younger you'd be singing a different tune."

"I recall when you was forty years younger," laughed ma. "You couldn't handle me then and you certainly cannot do it now."

"Well gosh darn it woman," replied pa. "Would you leave some poor chap outside a rattling on the door at this late hour?"

"It serves him right," answered she. "What manners has he to be callin on decent folks, just as they've sat down to their tea?."

"Well I suppose you are correct," agreed pa. "Could I pass you a lump of sugar my dear?"

"Yes, two if you don't mind," answered ma. "Would you care for some cream my love?"

"Why yes," answered pa. "I would like some cream."

"And how is your comfort," asked pa. "I haven't thrown too many logs on the fire again, have I dear?"

"No, my love," answered ma. "And the tea, is it too hot?"

"Not the least bit," answered pa. "As a matter of fact, I was just preparing to compliment you on your choice of herbs."

"Thank you, kind sir," replied ma. "It is always my pleasure to serve a gentle man such as yourself."

"Indeed this evening is quite perfect," spoke pa. "Or ... it would be, if it wasn't for ..."

"Do tell me, " interrupted ma.

"Oh, it is only a small thing," answered pa. "I should not even bring it up."

"What is it," asked ma. "Is the floor cold? Shall I fetch your slippers?"

"No, it's only .... oh never mind," said pa. It is really such a trivial thing."

"Ah, I know," guessed ma. "You'd like a piece of serviceberry pie with your tea."

"No, that is not it at all," said pa. "It is another thing entirely."

"What," asked ma. "Tell me, and I will fetch it pronto."

"Would you my dear," asked pa.

"Without hesitation," answered ma.

"You are a rare confection, my sweet tooth," affirmed pa. "Now ... since you have so kindly agreed to the chore, won't you go and see who's at the dang-blasted door?"

"Ah ... I see how it is, ye old schmoozer," answered ma. "You'd have me a'doin of your chores. Well, I'll fetch the door for you on the day Hades freezes over. If your mind is so all fired set on someone doing it, you go and fetch the door yourself."

"What ... would you have me answer the door in my bare feet, even before I have finished my tea, old woman," asked pa.

"Not in the least," answered ma. "As well, you might expect no more from me, you old geezer. Here ... shall I refill your cup?"

"Why thank you my dear," answered pa.

"My goodness, but that chap outside the door is persistent," noted pa.

"Let him rattle all he wants," spoke ma. "He can wait till I finish my tea."

"At least go and peek out the window and see if it is someone we might know," suggested pa.

"Alright dear," replied ma. "But mind you I am not fetching the door."

"Of course not ma," agreed pa.

"Humph! Just as I'd suspect," spoke ma at the window.

" "Who is it?" Asked pa.

"Two worthless polecats, if ever I saw any," answered ma. "It's Old Man Winter and his young grandson, Jack Frost."

"Quick woman," shouted pa. "Get away from the window before they see you. Else they'll hang around for months at a time."

"That young Jack is a handsome fellow," observed ma. "I wonder why he hasn't settled down?"

"Because the family is no good," answered pa. "They'd much rather borrow from the cupboards of honest, hard working folk than do a lick of work themselves."

"It's a pity," said ma. "They appear to be such upstanding folk."

"They'll rob you blind," asserted pa.

"Just look at them out there, pa," added ma. "They aren't properly dressed at all. And the weather outdoors is so bitter cold tonight."

"They'll manage," assured pa. "Now please get back from the glass before they see you."

" "But pa," argued ma. "They must be freezing. And young Jack has icicles hanging from his chin."

"Don't you do it," said pa. "Don't you invite them into this house."

"There you go again," snapped ma. "Barking out orders like you was my boss."

"I just assumed you would reckernize the sound of good sense," assumed pa.

"I knows it when I hears it," replied ma. "But I see no harm letting the good folks inside to warm themselves before the fire."

"Ye see no harm do ye," snorted pa. "Why woman, once you let Old Man Winter plant his foot in your doorway, ye'll not be getting rid of him."

"Balderdash," exclaimed ma. "I've used my switch broom to roust out worse rubble than the likes of them."

"I warn you, woman," spoke pa. ""You shan't invite them in. I am putting my foot down. I forbid it."

"Whoops! Now you've gone and done it," snapped ma. "You've planted both your feet in the fiery furnace. Just you pay close attention now, my dear, I'm going to fetch the door."

"But ma," pleaded pa. "Lissen ..."

"Hush!" Snapped ma. "I'll hear no more from you."

"Good evening good sirs," greeted ma, upon opening the door. "Egad ... Where are your manners sir? Don't be trying to push past me before I can proffer the invite."

"Turn them out," shouted pa. "Shut that door woman."

"I'm trying pa," answered ma. "But his foot is preventing it."

"Gentlemen, I must ask you to leave," insisted ma. "You have overstepped your welcome. Look out pa. That young devil Jack Frost just ducked in past me."

"Confound it woman," snorted pa. "Do you see what comes from being softhearted."

"Cease your preaching pa," snapped ma. "And come help me shet this door."

"Dagnab it woman," answered pa. "Can't you admit just this once that I was right?"

"You'd like that wouldn't you, old man," replied ma. "If I did sech a foolish thing, you'd never shut up."

"If ye choose to be stubborn," said pa, "Ye'll have to make out on your own. Hey ... You young whippersnapper, get your mittens out of that kettle."

"Here, pa," said ma. "Fetch my broom and I'll whallop him."

"Did you say something, ma," asked pa. "I thought I might of heard an apology."

"Now where would you get such a notion," answered ma. "I invited these gentlemen inside and I will ask them to leave when I am good and ready. Share that blanket with me, won't you dear?"

"Look at that, ma," pointed out pa. "Old Man Winter has blown out the fire."

'That is nothing to me," answered ma. "Pass me a cup of that tea, please."

"Look at this," spoke pa. "Jack Frost has put ice in our tea."

"I sometimes like my tea cold," replied ma.

"Looky there, ma," spoke pa. "The pipes are freezing."

"Pipes will thaw," answered ma.

"I have no f-f-feeling in my toes," complained pa.

"Put on your socks," suggested ma.

"They ain't g-g-going to leave," asserted pa.

"Y-y-yes, I know," affirmed ma. "Go f-f-fetch my broom, won't you pa?"

"I h-h-haven't h-h-heard an apology y-y--yet," said pa.

"W-why you old k-k-koot," quipped ma, "to be concerned about apologies at a t-time like th-this. Can't you see there are intruders in the house?"

"W-w-why ma, " said pa. "I thought they were your g-g-guests."

"Y-y-you old fool," scolded ma. "G-g-get up out of that chair and f-f-fetch me my broom."

"I'm afraid I d-d-don't hear you just now, my d-dear," replied pa. "I'll g-g-go f-f-fetch your b-b-broom, as soon as I hear you admit I w-was right and you w-w-was wrong."

"W-w-when p-p-perdition f-f-freezes ov-v-ver," answered ma.

"Be q-quick with that apo-apology," spoke pa, "I'm los-s-sing all shens-shation b-b-below my kn-n-nees."

"Th-that's n-n-nice d-d-dear," replied ma.

"I th-think I'm f-f-freezing t-t-to d-d-death," said pa.

"Y-y-yes d-d-dear, " answered ma. "Th-throw another l-l-log on the f-f-fire, w-w-would you dear."

"En-n-nough of th-th-this n-n-nons-shense, old w-woman," spoke pa. "G-g-get up and g-g-go shet-t-t that th-thar d-d-door."

"D-d-do you h-hear me old w-w-woman," asked pa.

"I s-s-say, old w-w-woman, quit b-b-being stub-b-b-born," continued pa. "G-g-get up and g-go sh-sh-shet that d-door."

"Ma?" Inquired pa. "Ma ... f-f-fer gawds s-s-sake, t-talk to me w-w-woman."

"Now ain't you the bossy one pa," mumbled ma. "Get up and shut it yourself."


epilogue


"M-m-make room under that b-b-blanket for me,
f-f-folks," insisted little Jack Frost. "Th-this place is
g-g-getting a bit n-n-nippy.

THE END